June 4,2010

Sitting in the office of Computech, I realize I am so not using the time I have wisely. So many things go through my mind during the day. Mostly daydreams or worries but somehow I should be harnessing the creativity and dreams and worries to let them benefit me. Ihave been spending alot of time recently on others blogs. I have been reviewing everything from craft projects for my home, to design ideas, to ideas for my Achievement Day girls. I love that the internet is such a great place to allow everyone an outlet for their thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. So, what can I contribute when there are so many other fabulous writers, photographers, and thinkers. Maybe nothing, maybe a lil something.I love to craft, paint, refurbish old furniture, scrapbook and hang out with me best friend,Gary. Today some dear friends visited the office and as they waited for another person to arrive they sat in our lobby over hearing the conversations and laughter between Gary & I. Both of these men are divorced and suddenly the were prompted to tell us how they love to be around Gary & I. They have never know 2 people that love each other so much and love to spend so much time together. It made me realize how blessed I really am. Gary is my miracle. He is the blessing that God allowed me to have, that maybe I may never really deserve but am so very grateful for.I have watched as he has healed from his depression and nervous breakdown. I was so glad this year as Jan. 26 rolled around that the day did not bring on uncontrolable tears from my eyes. Maybe I am healing too.I recognize all the trust being rebuilt from that horrid day, the day my lover, my friend,my strength decided to end our life as we knew it. He could not handle one more day of stress and worries. As we struggled for the gun that he possessed I knew that I would do anything to stay and be with him. The officers that arrived after my 911 call were gracious and kind to both of us but still I watched in horror as my husband was handcuffed and escorted to the hospital. I raced to the disinfected corridors to find a man who did not even look or act like my lover. I dropped to my knees in solemn prayer to understand what I had just been through. They transferred him to the Behavorial Health Center where he took all of his belongings away, put him in scrubs and began therapy for a few days. After making sure he was checked in they escorted me to the front of the insitute and I stood alone as the door closed behind me. Numb from the events of the day I looked around at the people in the foyer and asked,"What am I suppposed to do now?" No one had any anwers for me. I returned home to find a house full of relatives and friends and my children, yet I have never felt so alone in all of my life. The man that was my strength just collapsed and gave up right before my eyes. Iwas fighting for the both of us now. I wanted to quit too. Why would he leave me like this? Why did he not love me enough to want to stay? What about our children and what they had just experienced? How would he be when he returned home? I had been going months without him while he worked through his deep dpression and sleeping all day most days. My heart ached and I longed to hold him, to smell him, to kiss him, to have him stroke my hair and kiss my forehead. I retreated to my closet to escape the noise, the questions. I wanted to wrap myself in anything that was his. As I lay in a fetal postion on the floor wrapped in the clothes that were sent home with me from the hospital, the tears flowed and my chest ached with the loss of Gary as I knew him. Maybe the next day would shed some light on where my man had gone.I arose the next morning, preparing for the unexpected, the unknown. My dear friends had already began preparing breakfast and cleaning from the night before and so the house was filled with the smells of pine sol and pancakes. I returned to the BHC institute nervous to see my husband yet anxious to kiss him and hold him and have someone tell me that yesterday was not real, it was a dream. Ientered into a room where I checked in mybelongings and the nurse briefed me on rules and regulations. She proceeded to take away any shoe laces, sharp objects and quiz me about things on my person. I then was walked to a room after many locked doors and buzzers. I waited patiently, not knowing what would happen next. Finally, he entered in the same blue green scrubs that I seen him in last night. He walked over and tears in his eyes he told me how much he loved me and apologized for what we had just been through. We visited for a bit but then I was asked to leave so that they could do some thereapy with him. He would need to stay for a while longer. How difficult it is to explain a breakdown to your children. But how much more difficult it must be to explain a suicide to them I hope I never know. 6 weeks later I was in a terrible car accident. My husband was finally getting back on his feet and mine were knocked from under me, literally. Returning home from Rexburg on Highway 20, a man pulled directly in front of me. I was driving a Dodge Breeze and I t-boned him in his raised truck going 68 mph. I had only a few seconds to slow down. My car caught on fire and the collision spun his truck around 180 degrees. As I gasped for air and tried to orient myself through all of the smoke I could hear alot of screaming and yelling and banging on my car. i could smell the heat from the flames, but could not quite get my breath back. suddenly a gush of fresh air as 3 men pryed my door open and drug me out of the car .